Selfish Susan

If I’m being honest, I’m selfish. I mean, it is the essence of human nature to be self-preserving and self-serving. If you don’t agree with me, then you are in serious denial. As Christians we are taught to deny this part of ourselves. To give up self to serve Christ’s purpose. This is a struggle; at least for me it is. We want our nice things and we want them to be ours. We don’t like sharing and that reasoning doesn’t stop just because your mother teaches you that sharing is the nice thing to do.
I read a question on Facebook the other day and it was “The biggest thing to change since having my baby is…” And I have to admit that for me, it is living my life for another person. This blog is a chance for me to be honest; with myself and with other moms (and moms-to-be). Before I had a baby it was very easy to be selfish. To have my things and keep them as mine. To have my time and to spend my time in a way that makes me happy.
When you bring your little bundle of joy home from the hospital, every waking moment is centered on that baby. Actually, if I’m being honest, every single moment (awake and half-awake) is centered on that baby. While the baby is sleeping you try to sleep, but you keep listening to make sure he’s breathing. You even put your hand on his chest to make sure it is rising and falling the way it should. You monitor every diaper to make sure the output is the equal to the input. You stress about nursing. Is he getting enough? Am I doing it right? Is he sleeping too much? Is he not sleeping enough? Is he eating enough? Is he eating too much? Is that even possible? The lack of sleep and incredible sense of responsibility for this tiny life takes you over. You’re like a person possessed; or, more accurately, obsessed. You feel like if the baby doesn’t flourish, it’s a direct reflection of you and your ability (or inability) to care for it.
Eventually you realize that your baby is fine. You don’t have to check him every 30 minutes to make sure he’s breathing. He’ll eat what he needs to eat and let you know if he’s still hungry. His diapers will, most likely, be just fine (more than fine). And suddenly you’re 5 months down the road and realize that you haven’t really thought about what your hair looks like or what your clothes look like or if you’ve shaved your legs since the baby was born. And you know what? The world didn’t stop revolving. Wow! It felt nice to stop thinking about yourself. It’s actually kind of liberating.
Things will eventually balance out as the baby becomes more independent and you go back to worrying about your own hair and how your clothes look (and if you’ve shaved your legs). But, you’ll never live your life solely for yourself again. And for this selfish Susan, that is a great thing.

It's Like Magic

I think most women can relate to this one.

"Honey, have you seen my wallet?"

"Babe, where are my keys?"

"Have you seen my suit coat?"

(Insert longsuffering sigh)

God must truly have given women super powers. Because no matter what is lost in the house - we are somehow able to find it.

In my mind, I'm very organized. It doesn't always translate to the house, but mentally I like to have everything neat & tidy and in its place. Once upon a time I lived like that...not so much recently. I'm trying (not too successfully) to let it go, but inside my brain is screaming for all things to be organized and in nice little boxes with labels! As it is, there are piles of clean clothes on my dresser to be put away and shoes piling up on the floor that haven't made their way to my closet. A couple of weeks ago, my husband lost his keys. Now, I know that he's the last one to have had them and he's the one responsible. And he takes full responsibility for maintaining them and misplacing them. But, whenever anything is lost around the house I feel like it's my fault. Like somehow because I didn't put those towels away, I can't find my other black stiletto. Or because my shirts aren't in the drawer, Joe can't find his wallet.

But, these keys. We couldn't find them for 2 weeks! That is a LONG time. In the meantime we've been splitting up the car keys on my set of keys as we needed to swap cars, etc. But then this morning we couldn't find one set of my keys. And I couldn't remember exactly where they'd last been and who'd had them. (great way to start the day, in case you were all wondering) So, I go to work while Joe scours the room and house for all of the keys without success. In the back of my head while I'm working, I'm thinking of the places we went, the last time I saw them, if I put them in my purse, if they were put down in a store....finally, I concluded they must be under one of the seats in our Camry. Joe was checking the mail and then we went to Target and I bet he put them under there so they wouldn't be seen. Cut to Joe coming to work to borrow the Camry and sure enough...the keys are right under the seat! SUCCESS!!

But, we still can't find Joe's keys.

He says, "The last time I had them was coming home from your mom's house and I was sitting in the back seat."

"I bet you they are under the base of the car seat" (which is the absolute last of the last places you would look for keys, by the way)

He text me a few hours later: I found my keys

Me: LOL Where?

Joe: Where you guessed. Under the car seat.

Now, what in the world made me think they would be under there? We've been missing his keys for 2 weeks now! And today out of nowhere I throw out a spot and there they are - been there the whole time, I'm sure.

I've concluded that God knew we women would be the go-to person for all things lost and missing. So, he gave us a motherly/wifely/feminine super power to sniff out those lost things even if we weren't there when they went missing.

Can't a mom just relax?

Two days ago if you had asked me about starting a blog I would have said, "I don't think so. Not me." And then last there was last night. Joe had taken the baby to SF for the day and brought me back a little surprise! Lush is my absolute favorite spot for bath soaks, bubble bath, etc. and he had gotten me a little gift pack for being such a cool mom (later posts will probably delve into my coolness, but we'll leave that for the future). It was such a long week at work. I hadn't really been able to sleep all week. I always have trouble falling asleep and this week was the mother of all insomnia. I just couldn't shut my brain down! So, when Joe showed up with that box of goodies I jumped up and down with glee!! I decided that after the baby went to sleep mommy was going to have a little "me" time!

I had just gotten the water started and the bath meltaway melting (whatever that means) and in comes Joe.

"What's wrong with the baby?"

"Nothing."

"Good. What do you need?"

"Nothing I'm just going to brush my teeth"

Maybe I didn't tell him that I wanted "me" time, but I did tell him I was going to take a relaxing bath.

"Can you do me a favor?"

"Sure babe, what's up?"

"Can you shut off the baby monitor?"

-pause-

"Can you hear him from in here?"

"No, but I don't want to"

(Wow...that came out sounding a lot more mean than it did in my head)

"I also don't want to hear you brushing your teeth. I'm trying to relax." (Might as well go all in since I've already started down the path!)

Queue Joe walking out, closing door behind him and muttering "Excuse me!" just loud enough for me to hear.

That got me thinking about an article I read the other day on www.babble.com. It was "16 things a mom really wants for Mother's Day. And it talked about how what a mother really wants most of the time is to be left alone. Or to have some quiet time. But, we're so afraid to ask because we don't want anyone to think that we don't care. One of the things on the list was time alone. Not just to be left alone, but still hear kids playing (screaming) in the living room and your husband making a mess in the kitchen. No. We want a night in a hotel room all alone. With a huge bathtub to soak in and absolutely no possibility of interruptions. But, if we ask to not spend time with our family, what kind of mother are we?

And this is my discovery - no one tells a mom that it's ok to take some time for herself. Everyone assumes that because you're a mother you want to live your life for someone else. Once your baby is born, your life is forever changed, it's true. And once you see that little one, you will do anything and everything to make sure they thrive in life. This includes your sleep, your time, and sometimes your sanity to make sure they are cared for. But, every once in a while we just want to stop thinking about everyone else and just think about us.

So, to all of you mother's out there - I get it. I finally get it. To all of you new mothers and soon to be mothers - it's OK. It's even healthy to want alone time, quiet time, time for yourself. If your husband won't give it to you, call a fellow mother and tell her "I just need an hour."

I'm sure she'll understand :)