Selfish Susan

If I’m being honest, I’m selfish. I mean, it is the essence of human nature to be self-preserving and self-serving. If you don’t agree with me, then you are in serious denial. As Christians we are taught to deny this part of ourselves. To give up self to serve Christ’s purpose. This is a struggle; at least for me it is. We want our nice things and we want them to be ours. We don’t like sharing and that reasoning doesn’t stop just because your mother teaches you that sharing is the nice thing to do.
I read a question on Facebook the other day and it was “The biggest thing to change since having my baby is…” And I have to admit that for me, it is living my life for another person. This blog is a chance for me to be honest; with myself and with other moms (and moms-to-be). Before I had a baby it was very easy to be selfish. To have my things and keep them as mine. To have my time and to spend my time in a way that makes me happy.
When you bring your little bundle of joy home from the hospital, every waking moment is centered on that baby. Actually, if I’m being honest, every single moment (awake and half-awake) is centered on that baby. While the baby is sleeping you try to sleep, but you keep listening to make sure he’s breathing. You even put your hand on his chest to make sure it is rising and falling the way it should. You monitor every diaper to make sure the output is the equal to the input. You stress about nursing. Is he getting enough? Am I doing it right? Is he sleeping too much? Is he not sleeping enough? Is he eating enough? Is he eating too much? Is that even possible? The lack of sleep and incredible sense of responsibility for this tiny life takes you over. You’re like a person possessed; or, more accurately, obsessed. You feel like if the baby doesn’t flourish, it’s a direct reflection of you and your ability (or inability) to care for it.
Eventually you realize that your baby is fine. You don’t have to check him every 30 minutes to make sure he’s breathing. He’ll eat what he needs to eat and let you know if he’s still hungry. His diapers will, most likely, be just fine (more than fine). And suddenly you’re 5 months down the road and realize that you haven’t really thought about what your hair looks like or what your clothes look like or if you’ve shaved your legs since the baby was born. And you know what? The world didn’t stop revolving. Wow! It felt nice to stop thinking about yourself. It’s actually kind of liberating.
Things will eventually balance out as the baby becomes more independent and you go back to worrying about your own hair and how your clothes look (and if you’ve shaved your legs). But, you’ll never live your life solely for yourself again. And for this selfish Susan, that is a great thing.